 Kids ages 4 to 7
How it feels to have a Parent with Cancer
When a parent is diagnosed with cancer, kids will react in a lot of different ways. At Kids Konnected we know that even the smallest of kids know that something is going on in their family and they need to have age appropriate information to help them understand their feelings about the changes going on in their family. That is why we wrote “Hope the Bear” and we want every parent to sit with their child and read “Hope” so their kids can understand and cope a little better. We also know that some will feel sad, some will feel angry and some may not feel anything at all. At Kids Konnected, kids are able to share all their feelings with other kids who are going through a similar experience. It helps kids feel konnected and know that they are not alone.
Here is what some of our kids have told us:
“It makes me sad to see my mom lying on the couch all day. She used to play more with me.”
Megan, age 7, on how it feels to have a mom going through chemotherapy to treat her breast cancer.
“Since my Dad has been sick, he doesn’t work anymore and I like having him home all the time.”
Adam, age 7, on how it feels to have a Dad with a brain tumor.
“I fight more now with my brother, I know it’s because I’m worried about my Mom, but I just can’t help it.”
Zach, age 6, on how he deals with his feelings regarding his Mom who has breast cancer.
“My life hasn’t really changed much, my mom is still able to take me to school and soccer, she just doesn’t have any hair right now.”
Katie, age 6, on how it feels to have a Mom with breast cancer.
“It feels like I’m missing a shoe, I know I should have two shoes, but I only have one, and everyone around me knows I should have two.”
McKenna age 6, on how it feels to have lost her mother to cancer.
From the Therapist/ For the Parent:
Children ages 4 to 7 will sense that something is wrong however will have difficulty expressing their feelings regarding the changes in their life. They are more likely to act out these feelings through tantrums and tears. At this age, children often act as the barometer in the family. If they are dealing with sadness or anger, chances are the parents are too, but perhaps not as expressively. Since they sense it and are acting on it, to not talk about it can make matters worse. When a child of this age is given some knowledge regarding the situation, their feelings can be validated. A child at this age is often best at seeing the “silver lining” of such situations and will focus on how great it is having mom and dad home more. They are very malleable and are not bothered by loss of hair and other physical changes. It is important to try to keep their routine as similar as possible as this assists them in dealing with the stress that cancer puts on their entire family.
Kids ages 8 to 12
We know that older kids may have different feelings about their parent’s cancer than a younger kid may have. We know they need more information from their parents about their diagnosis and treatment. They may even want to meet their parent’s doctor and have their questions answered by him or her. And we also know that they too need a place to talk and share their feelings. At Kids Konnected, we provide groups where kids can talk about their parent’s cancer and meet other kids who really understand what they are going through. They can feel connected and know that they are not alone.
Here is what some of our kids are saying:
“I sometimes get angry because I can’t have friends over or I can’t play the piano because my dad is resting. I feel like I can’t have fun anymore.”
Alison, age 10, on how it feels to have a dad with lung cancer.
“Since my mom was diagnosed with cancer I have a lot of different feelings, sometimes I’m sad that my mom is sick and has to have chemo, sometimes I’m angry that she can’t drive to school and I have to ride my bike now and sometimes I just try not to think about it.”
Jason, age 11, on how it feels to have a mom with breast cancer.
“I was worried that I might have caused my Dad’s cancer, but after I read “Hope the Bear” and went to a Kids Konnected group I was relieved to learn that I couldn’t have caused it at all.”
Matthew, age 10, on how he felt when his Dad was diagnosed with Melanoma.
“I try now to have fun with my mom and spend more time with her; I try to make her laugh to take her mind off of her worries.”
Abbey age 9, on how she copes with her mother who has lymphoma.
From the Therapist/ For the Parent:
Children ages 8 to 12 can understand their parent’s cancer diagnose and will need more detailed information regarding what treatment their parent will be going through. They often deal with feelings of sadness, fear and confusion, which causes them to become very clingy to the sick parent and may feel that as long as they are near, the parent will be O.K. They can experience intense anxiety over a day at school or a slumber party at a friend’s house. At this age, a child needs to discuss their feelings thoroughly and repeatedly. It may be difficult for a child to understand what they are feeling and parents should help interpret their actions. For example, “I understand that going to school is difficult because you worry something might happen to me, but it is important for you to go to school. I promise if anything happens, such as if I need to go to the hospital, I will make sure we call the school and let you know.” When a child’s feelings are validated and talked about, the child will eventually have a greater understanding of his or her feelings.
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