OVERVIEW

At Kids Konnected we know that teens will react to their parent’s diagnosis of cancer in a lot of different ways.  We also know that it helps teens to have a place where they can express these feelings and know that there is someone else out there going through the same thing and feeling the same way.   We want teens to be able to express their feelings, even their anger, get accurate information regarding their parent’s diagnosis and treatment and know that they are not alone.

Here is what one of our teens has to say about his experience:


How it felt when my Mom told me she had breast cancer

It’s like hitting a brick wall.  It’s like falling and hitting bottom.  It’s like running as fast as you can and tripping over a root that wasn’t there a second ago.  And it’s like not feeling anything at all.  You’re listening to the word, you’re hearing the words, but something inside you is saying that this is something big, something awful and it’s going to change the rest of your life.  Your parent is telling you that they have lymphoma, they have breast cancer, they have leukemia, they have lung cancer, they have multiple myeloma, they have a brain tumor.  What are they talking about?  At this point you’re not even listening any more, it feels too hazy, too soft to be reality is this really happening to me?  When am I going to wake up?

 It’s hard enough to be a teen.  Just trying to fit in, keep friends, stay out of trouble, get good grades, and get into a good college.  I mean the pressure can be overwhelming at times.  But add to it a parent getting cancer or even worse, dying….well, that’s just the final straw.  I know, however, that my story is not unique and that there are thousands of us going through the same experience, the same feelings and the same frustrations.  I didn’t want to attend a Kids Konnect support group at first.  I thought why would I want to go and talk to a bunch of strangers that have no idea what I’m going through.  But I eventually went; actually I was forced to go by my parent.  And I was glad I did, those strangers did understand what I was going through…..because they were experiencing the same situations, same feelings that I was.  I eventually became a Youth Leader for Kids Konnected and still “give back” to the younger kids in the program.  It’s a way for me to stay Konnected, it helps. 

Grady, age 18

From the Therapist/ For the Parent:
It is always difficult for children to face a parent’s illness, but it is even more challenging for a teen.  As teens approach their time of individuation their natural inclination is to move away from their parents both physically and emotionally.  When a parent is diagnosed with cancer this individuation process becomes complicated.  Teens struggle between wanting to leave and be with their peers and feeling a sense of guilt and obligation to remain close to a sick parent.  Many teens will not consciously externalize this conflict and instead will find themselves staying increasingly away from home and in complete denial that they are trying to avoid the stressors of home life.

As a parent, you are faced with a difficult time of needing your teen more, to help with chores, picking up younger kids, etc.  And your teen will be even more resistant to wanting to help.  You will need to walk a “tight rope” between understanding that they need to be with their peers to support them during this tough time and yet may have no alternative but to put more chores and responsibilities on them.  It is important to not motivate them with guilt.  It can be psychologically harmful on them to make them feel guilty for not wanting to be at home more or wanting to help.  Never tell them that “this stress you are creating will cause my cancer to come back.”  Or, “Don’t you realize I might die from this cancer?”  Or “Don’t you even care that I have cancer?”  Your teen does care about all of that, but shoving it in their face will only alienate them more.  Try to be understanding that they want their “old” life back, and that may just not ever happen.  And they do need their friends for a distraction and for peer support.  It is a difficult balance for most families to achieve. Support groups like Kids Konnected can be extremely helpful at this time as it allows teens to come together with other teens and vent their frustrations and allows parents an opportunity to talk about the parenting challenges they face with their teens.

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